A Neutron walked into to a bar and said: "How much for a drink?"
And the bartender said: "No charge!"

Q: Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
A: It was polar

 

On a train to a large convention there were a bunch of engineers and a bunch of chemists. Each of the engineers had a train ticket. The group of chemists had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing, figuring the chemists were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the chemists, the lookout, said "Here comes the conductor", all of the chemists went into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled.

The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the engineers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The chemists stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the chemists came out of the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid.

On the way back from the convention, the group of engineers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the chemists in the same car.

Again, the engineers started snickering at the chemists. This time NONE of the chemists had tickets. When the lookout said, "Conductor coming!", all the chemists went to one bathroom and all the engineers went to the other bathroom.

Before the conductor came on board, one of the chemists left their bathroom, knocked on the engineers' bathroom, and said "Ticket please."

 

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined. "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

 

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he will change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

 

Q. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A. Because it's in the ground state.

 

What are?

Q. Ba(Na)2
A. Banana

Q. NaCl(aq), NaCl(aq), C C C C C C C
A. Saline, saline, over the seven Cs

 

Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.

Q. What is the purpose of a doctor?
A. Helium.

Q. What do you call a convict who dresses up as a clown?
A. Silicon.

Q: What did one titration say to the other?
A: Let's meet at the endpoint!

Q: What do you pay a policeman attending evening chemistry classes?
A: Copper Nitrate

 

A chemist, a physicist, and a geologist were walking along a beach when the physicist suddenly said that he wanted to measure the depth of the sea, and then he jumped into the sea. The geologist said that he wanted to see the seabed and he followed suit. The chemist waited for a while for them to reappear and then concluded, "physicists and geologists are soluble in sea water."

 

A mathematician, a chemist, and a biologist were asked to prove or disprove, by example, that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime -- disproved.

Chemist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is not prime, 17 is prime -- I only had to throw out two data points -- It's proven.

Biologist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime.